“Somewhere along the line we were taught that charismatic and charming people are somehow valuable or interesting … To me, charisma is like heavy perfume or cologne that someone wears when they don’t take a shower. It’s probably covering up something else.”

Dr. Ramani, clinical psychologist

“Unbeing dead isn’t being alive.”

EE Cummings, poet

“Just to be alive is grand thing.”

Agatha Christie, writer

They say that if you don’t invite a vampire in, they can’t cross your threshold. But what do you do if you’ve already let them in? How do you make a vampire go?

I have bells on my doorknobs and black tourmaline above my doorframes, salt in the corners of all my rooms. And I have a PFA that established my house as a vampire free zone from the beginning. But I am not free of my vampire.

The term glamour first arose in Scotland in the 18th century and initially meant a magical spell. In time it took on its more common usage today, “Exciting or mysterious attractiveness usually associated with striking physical beauty, luxury, or celebrity.” But it is also used as a verb in reference to vampires. It is said a vampire can control a human’s mind and get them to do whatever they want through the act of glamouring.

Vampires glamour you, you submit, they drain you of your blood and leave you for dead. Could there be a better analogy for narcissistic abuse? They are, above all, emotional vampires, constantly on the hunt for their next fix. But like vampires, they’re actually quite weak and vulnerable. Pathetic really. They depend on us for our blood since they are the undead and completely unable to create their own. And something as simple as garlic or sunlight or a good old stake to the heart can do them in.

They were once alive but another vampire made them into one themselves and the humanity in them is long dead. They’re miserable and hate themselves but are incapable of ending their own lives, so they roam the earth in search of prey. Hiding who they are, manipulating, killing, oftentimes making more vampires along the way.

Some people are better at spotting them than others. Some more willingly submit to glamouring. Some go their whole lives being fed on and never figure it out.

So, what do you do if you’ve let them in, and the glamour has worn off? How do you get rid of them? Let us consider our options.

Option 1: Garlic

Garlic is tasty and good for your heart and immune system. You could load up on marinara, roasted garlic, even garlic pills from your local pharmacy. As your body grows stronger and your spirit is lifted by the culinary joy, your vampire will be repelled. Vampires like their prey weak and dependent and miserable. Try hiding some under your bed to ward off unwanted sleep interruptions if his sexual dysfunction is on hold that night.

banish your vampire with heart healthy garlic

Option 2: Stake through the heart

A more dramatic and violent choice when garlic isn’t strong enough. Recommended forms include PFAs, divorce filings, healthy assertive statements, boundaries, truth, calling out lies, ignoring, and recognizing reality.

Option 3: Sunlight

Narc vampires often stay up quite late, restless, unable to quiet their minds and close their eyes to the ever present paranoid dangers of their world. They don’t generally sleep in coffins, but if they do, it is the *nicest* coffin you’ve ever seen. Literal daylight, however, does not weaken or kill them. They live in a different kind of darkness. They spend their time trying to pull the people in their lives into it, to starve out the light in them. The brighter you shine, the harder they try. Your light reminds them of what it means to be human, something they will never be again. They’d possess that light if they could, hold it inside and feel its warmth. But they can’t. They can only put it out. Their skin ever cold. The blood they consume losing all warmth the moment it touches their lips. But if you shine bright enough, if you let all that is good and beautiful and joyful and true come through, it’s too much for them. A solar eclipse that burns out their retinas. They realize they are too weak to put that light out. And they move on. They will try in vain. They don’t like to lose. But they will eventually be forced to seek out a new source to feed on or risk dying in the bright glow of the miracle that is you.

Knowing you are a miracle. Knowing you are amazing and wonderful and whole. That is how you get rid of a vampire. And God and all his Angels won’t be enough to protect him if he tries to make vampires of your little ones. Their blood is sweet but he is weak and dark and will be sent back from whence he came. And you will never ever make the same mistake again. Now you know what a vampire is and that you don’t have to let him in. And when he tries to glamour you, slam that door in his pasty face and get back to making your marinara. Just to be alive is a grand thing.